Love, Sex and Marriage – TREM Marks Gate

Why Did You Ruin My Life Mom?

Obinna had recently gotten a job but the salary was meager.

He rented a small but neat apartment and decided to marry Oluchi who had been by his side while he was in the University.

He knew they would have to live on a tight budget but trusted that God would bless the work of his hands and cause him to prosper along the way.

Oluchi had happily taken him home to meet her mother so they could proceed with their wedding plans.

She got a rude shock when her mother blatantly refused Obinna on the grounds that Obinna is a struggling young man.

She had prayed that her daughter would marry a wealthy man with a nice big house, cars etcetera. Oluchi was therefore a disappointment for bringing someone like Obinna home to her.

Many attempts to get her mom to accept Obinna proved abortive. No one could talk to her nor reason with her.

Oluchi’s mom further ensured that she said and did things to separate her daughter and Obinna. Finally, she succeeded as Obinna and Oluchi, with heavy hearts, bade each other farewell.

Tony, Michael, Chibuzor all came one after the other to ask for Oluchi in marriage afterwards.

Her mom equally rejected them, for the same reason. They were not rich enough, therefore, not good enough for her daughter.

By now, Oluchi’s mom had made life difficult for her daughter for bringing “the wrong kind of men” home.

Therefore, for peace sake, Oluchi brings Frank, who fits the description of the wealthy son in law she prayed for home to introduce to her mom as her fiancé.

Oluchi knew that she did not really care for the man and deep down, knew he could not make her happy. However, she was tired of the cold treatments from her mother and had gotten to the point she just wanted to marry and move out of the house.

Dancing for joy, Oluchi’s mom congratulates her daughter and ended the cold shoulder she had been giving her daughter.

After the wedding, Oluchi tolerated her husband, whereas her mom enjoyed all the benefits of being an in law to a wealthy son in law.

After they had a child, things took a nose dive for Frank. He could no longer afford to stay in the nice big house, so they moved to a tiny apartment in a rickety part of town.

All the money and comfort was now gone. They could barely afford to eat. Sometimes, Oluchi had to go to her mom’s to obtain food or some money to fend for her family, especially for her little daughter.

On her way home from her mom’s one day, a car pulled up beside her. It was Obinna, her ex fiancé.

Obinna was shocked to see Oluchi so dishevelled and unkempt looking. He asked her to get in the car, asking directions to her home.

As he dropped her off, he made her confide in him and she narrated the difficulties that had befallen her within five short years.

Clearly, Oluchi had become a bitter and angry woman, filled with pain and regrets.

Obinna on the other hand had become financially comfortable, with a nice big house, nice cars and a happy and contented wife and kid.

Obinna drove off with a promise to return and when he did days afterwards: gave lots of money to Oluchi to start a business.

He brought lots of diapers, food, clothes, toys and drugs for Oluchi and Frank’s baby. He also bought food stuff in bulk for the family and even gave Oluchi money and food stuffs for her to give to her mother.

As Oluchi handed the items to her mom, she asked her mom why she ruined her life, weeping bitterly, a question her mother was too ashamed to answer.

Oluchi is now separated from her husband, raising their child alone, whereas Obinna and the other men she genuinely cared for after him have all moved on happily in matrimony.

Yvonne says: There is no denying the influence of mothers in our lives and the Bible commands us to honour and respect our parents, however, you cannot blame anyone for the outcome of your life. You have to take responsibility for your life: decisions, actions and reactions, even to parental counsel.

Oluchi’s mother’s reason for rejecting Obinna and the other men Oluchi genuinely cared for afterwards is wrong.

While I understand that no parent wants their child or children to experience lack, I frown at parents who push their child or children into matrimony for the sake of financial liberation and the power that comes with it, regardless of whether or not their child or children will be happy in the union.

Please, if you are presently doing that or intend to, Stop it. Remember that wealth can evaporate tomorrow.

As a parent, your concern should be the happiness, peace, well being and longevity of your child’s marital home.

I understand that money is important for all of these factors to fall in place but money is not and will never be a sole determinant of these.

Do not singlehandedly be the source of your child’s marital unfulfillment, frustration and failure.

Instead, pray for the prosperity and wealth of your child and his/her spouse, especially when you can see that he/she is someone going somewhere to happen.

I equally pray that God will help Oluchi (all real names withheld), heal from the pain and bitterness, forgive her mother and restore her marital life.

Her marital life may not be the best choice she made, but she is already in it.

May God’s grace reunite her and her husband and grant her inner peace and affection for her husband, as God’s grace teaches her husband to be the sort of man that she may grow to care deeply for or love someday.

May God also restore her husband’s finances.

I am certain that Oluchi’s mom will no longer interfere in their lives now.

May God help us all in Jesus name, Amen!

Until next time, I love you with the love of God! Shalom!

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I Love Her But She Is Older…

I had gone into a bookstore in a shopping mall one day and as I conversed with its attendant, he felt a need to ask for help.

Joseph(Real name withheld), wants to know if it is a sin to love an older woman to the extent of desiring to make her his wife?

Joseph is in his late twenties/early thirties, while the lady is in her late thirties/early forties.

My response to him: First of, there is no commandment in the bible that says ‘Thou shalt not love or marry her if she is older than you’.

Though it is not a popular practice in this our part of the world, it is not uncommon to marry an older lady. However, a lot of factors are considered before you make such a decision.

Spiritual: Do you two share the same spiritual beliefs? Is she born again? Are you quite sure that she is God’s will for you? Did you pray about it earnestly? Many miss it here because while praying, they tell God the desires of their own heart, giving God reasons why HE should approve their own choice and expect God to say yes to their choice, whether or not that choice will haunt them in the future.

You should tell God how you really feel and why you want to marry that person, however, insist that since HE is the All Knowing God, only HIS perfect will for your life, not your own will, should be done.

If she is not the one, let HIM give you the grace to let her go and order your steps to your own spouse.

Mental/Psychological: It is a widely known and scientifically proven fact that a girl child grows up and matures quickly than the male child.

You see a 16 years old female child, speaking and acting ten years wiser than her age, while her male counterpart is a typical 16 years old (not in all cases though).

If this is the case, now imagine, a lady who is between the ages of 35-42, strong, responsible, mature, put together, wise, dependable and experienced. All these qualities you see in her and then you, nearly ten years her junior, a little less in all these qualities (because sometimes, it is what you lack, that when you see in others, attracts and pulls you to them), how will you handle it?

How will you cope? Do you think your lady is humble enough to be somewhat more matured than you and still submit to you? Will she allow you be her head and the man of the house? Or will your age and different levels of maturity be a constant source of strife for you two?

When she politely offers you advice as your helpmate to keep you from making a mistake that can land you and your entire household in some setbacks/trouble, will you listen and take her advice or will you get offended and act out because you think she is trying to control you?

What if her counsel and predictions are always right and yours are always wrong, will you feel insufficient and intimidated/ not good enough? Will you swallow your pride or set your ego aside and listen to your wife for the collective good and prosperity of your home?

Are you mentally ready to be the husband of a woman who by your description is older and wiser? Are you prepared to learn from her while retaining your duty and office as the head of your home?

Please note that, it is possible to learn from your wife without relinquishing your role as the head of your family. You just have to find a virtuos and submissive woman, who teaches you politely but firmly. A woman who respects you even when it is obvious that you are making loads of mistakes.

Biological/Medical: Have you considered this factor too? You need to, especially if you two are planning on having children. I am not much of a medical person, however, i know it is more advisable for a woman to have children earlier than in her forties.

Marrying and giving birth at thirty and above is not the choice of many ladies if you ask them, therefore you and the rest of the world should be more sensitive and stop acting like they have a problem or they are a problem for being unmarried at that age.

An article i read somewhere states that a woman should have her first child before the age of thirty to avoid some diseases for her and her baby, i won’t go into further details, not to scare you off.

Nevertheless, remember that it is the medical report and we also believe in God’s report, that regardless of age and biology, God does overrule situations and give women in this category safe conceptions, deliveries and make them healthy mother and with healthy babies with a clean bill of health too.

In addition: People argue that when a man marries an older woman, she may not be on the same sexual rhythm with him and that is a major source of concern.

Personally, I have heard cases where a couple are age mates or the man is reasonably older than his wife and still, they are not on the same sexual rhythm… It is therefore not applicable to your case alone Joseph.

Social/ Physical: Does the physical appearance of your spouse matter to you? Can you confidently present her to your family? friends? church? society as your queen your fiancée? your wife? Or will you be embarrassed and seek to hide her away, preferring to attend social occasions alone?

An uncle once told me that one’s spouse may not be the best looking one in a crowd or might even be the most unattractive in the whole gathering, however, all that matters is you are comfortable with him/her and you are not ashamed to be seen or associated with him or her privately and publicly and i totally agree.

People just have a way of voicing unsolicited and unwelcome opinions on everything that does not concern them and they are outright rude and hurtful by words, actions or gestures.

You therefore need to know let everyone know that this person/your fiancée/ spouse/ is a huge part of your life and anyone who will be disrespectful to her will answer to you or will cease to be a part of your life until he or she apologizes and treats your woman with respect.

If your lady is willing to make some adjustments in a bid to look good for you such as: Eat less, lose some weight, wear more make up, or wear less make up etcetera, that is well and good, but it is should be willing.

Do not attempt to change her. Only The Holy Spirit can change a man/woman, not you. If you cannot accept her for how she has chosen to be, then, please leave her alone. Do not force her to do these things, lest she resents you.

Ladies: you can dress and look younger in a nice, decent and attractive way for your spouse, especially if you are older. A man is moved by sight! You should keep your body together( Even after child birth, Yes, it is hard! but do able, so please lose the weight, and get your body right). Keep your hair and nails neat, smell nice, keep your house clean. Help your man stay interested!

Other factors such as differences in likes and interests, finances, etcetera are factors that are not peculiar to your situation but crop up in many marital relationships.

Joseph, If you have prayed earnestly and sought Godly counsel and you are convinced that this woman is your wife, I do not see any reason why you should not marry her. Who told you that marrying your age mate or someone younger is a guarantee of a happy marriage?

Sometimes, that person may give you more problems and remember, whatever decisions you make, once you sign the dotted lines and perform the ceremonies and you and your bride go home and the door is closed, you will live with your choice.

Therefore, make the best choice for you, do not do anything someone else says, especially if you are not convinced or at peace with the idea, because, if it goes wrong, it is unwise to say ‘I could have avoided this mistake if not for Mr this or Miss/Mrs that!’

Until next time, I love you with the love of God! Shalom!

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Are You Going Through Stormy Seas?

For anyone experiencing any storm in life, friendship, relationships, courtship and marriage…

I know that sometimes the pain is so intense, it is almost mind numbing. You do not understand how God can love you so much and yet, allow so much pain your way.

At that point, it looks like and feels like you can not carry that cross, you just can’t take it anymore and you are willing to throw that love away, you are willingly to remove your engagement or wedding ring and say ” I have had enough of this courtship, this marriage, this family! I just can’t take it anymore”.

Before you do, ask yourself? Have I prayed about this? I am not talking about you shedding tears or complaining about your would be spouse, spouse, relations to God, cussing them out and suggesting to God ways He can punish him/her/they on your behalf, No! I am talking about real praying.

Hold on, do you remember, His Word that says, He will not allow us more than we can bear? Please know this: God is a good and loving father who hates to see you in pain, however, HE allows some of these pain your way because He knows it will only make you more resilient, stronger and of a more refined breed.

In God’s design, this mind shattering pain is supposed to toughen you up, to make you stronger, to bring out the best in you not to destroy you. Therefore, please stop the nagging, complaining, arguing, exchange of hurtful words.

Pause, take quick breaths, then take slower calming breaths and if you can, remove yourself from the scene and when your peace is restored, go to God in prayer.

Thank Him for His Grace that has seen you through thus far. Thank Him for any good you can still find around you. Thank Him for any good you can still see in or around your spouse, family, relations.

Tell Him what is not working or what has gone terribly wrong. Tell Him the part you played or refused to play that somewhat contributed to the disintegration of the love, trust or peace in your home.

Tell God how the lack of love, trust, peace and perhaps the total coldness in your home, your life affects you negatively and how much you hurt . Please, be totally honest and vulnerable with God. He is The One Being that knows all your faults, mistakes and weaknesses and does not judge you. He is The One Being that knows all your secrets and does not gossip about you nor mock you with it.

Remember, regardless of whether you tell Him or not, He already knows, however, your going to Him with your problems and pain is for you to get a solution, an answer, a healing or perhaps, grace to forgive.

Therefore, please, go to God in prayer. If you have prayed before and received no previous answers, regardless of how many times that has happened, go back again and again and as many times until your answer comes.

Do you remember the story of the unrighteous judge in the bible, who the woman pestered until he attended to her case? Do you remember the lesson Jesus brought out through that tale? That if an unrighteous judge could hearken to the woman, because of her repeatedly going back to him for help, how much more will God not help us when we ask Him? Go back again and again and refuse to let God go until He solves it for you.

Please do not try to help God. There is no part of the scripture that says heaven helps those that help themselves and discard any counsel that takes you away from the counsel of God. Anything that will make you turn your back on God, run from because ultimately, that same “Solution” has a way of turning into your worst “Nightmare/pain”.

Therefore, run to Him, stay where He planted you and continue to serve Him in spite of the circumstance(s) around you. Pray and serve God and watch your answer come.

God knows how to order your steps to your salvation. He knows who to send to you, how he/she/they/it will locate you, how/when/where you two will meet or connect and how to pull you out of that stormy circle or calm the storm for you.

God will come through for you in Jesus name and those that hear your testimony will not only rejoice with you, but will also be blessed through your story in Jesus name, Amen!

Until next time, I love you with the love of God! Shalom!

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Rekindling The Flame In Your Marriage

Seeing new couples together can be very nice and interesting. The feeling of love is so evident in the way they talk, look at each other, smile and do things together. The laughter they have with each other leaves people around smiling at the joy love brings.

However, a common trend can now be observed, that after a while, the same couple now, snap at each other, can hardly ever get along again, can not smile not to talk of laugh without an effort, arguments replaces discussions and one begins to wonder where love has gone to.

Alot of times, both are busy pointing accusing finger at what the other is not doing. They try to correct what they think to be wrong via criticism and comparism. Then ego, silent treatment and mind games creep in. What this does is to kill the love flow and then gradually they start becoming strangers living in a particular place.

The question here is, why is there no sustainance of affection? why does the honey moon end afterwards?

The issue here is that both couple have allowed an important ingredient to vanish from their marriage relationship. The instrument of romance was the reason why before you married her, you felt so much connection and attraction.

You bought her gifts with precision and research. You always took your time to look at her with a ready compliment,you treat her and make her feel special everytime as much as you can and can afford. As the lady,when was the last time u were sweet to him? just cook him a lovely dinner or get him a gift u know he will love. Just look him in the eyes and tell him how much you love and appreciate him with a seal of a kiss ?

These were things you did freely and easily when you were dating buh as soon as you got married, formality became the other of the day. Everyone needs to be told that they are loved and not only in words but via action. the acting is the affirmation of the spoken word, so how can you affirm what is not there in the first place? Common words among warring couples that makes me laugh can be summarized via “he/she should know i love him/her because i do what am suppose to do”. What speaks love to people differ and you have to understand the love language of your partner. Once the love tank of your partner becomes empty, frustration comes in as agitation ensures.. one thing that is unhealthy among couples is bottled up emotions. When your partner does what you can not endure, lovingly tell them with reasons why it does not go down well with you.

Conversation is key because no matter how good a marriage relationship is, it is riddled with ups and downs and only via communication can both parties be on the same page and flow easily. So rather than bottle it up and die slowly, just find the best time and let it out in a loving way. Same words do have different effect when used differently.

So what do you do when your marriage is becoming more and more less affectionate? It is time to spice things up. Depending on how bad it is, you can always get things started but that is if both couples want to work it out truthfully and honestly.

In this context we are looking at a born-again couple who do not believe in divorce and understand the role of the person of the holyspirit in relationship building. After you have prayed, it is important you sit down and do something for each other, that up to this point has been neglected for so long.

Highlight your strong points, talk about the things that made you fall in love with that person to that person.

Have a no holds barred reflection on the things that made you tick as a couple, reminisce about the little nothings you did and then when the atmosphere is no more tensed talk about what has changed and how it has been affecting you. the objective is to listen closely and carefully, if possible have a note pad to show how serious you are with the details of your discussion. Communication rather than talking is what binds you two together.

Now, if you successfully pulled that off, you have commenced the recovery process.

Based on the listed things from your partner, you will now see areas that improvement is needed. If you feel the first stage is difficult then this is even more difficult, as it has to do with sacrifice for the other person.

The big question, which i believe everyone about saying ‘i do’ should critically ask themselves is, “Can i utterly sacrifice for my partner”?

Someone once said that “in every relationship/marriage that is thriving, someone is paying the price”. Just imagine if that price is shared in proportions and the burden split happily.

You have heard from your partner what they need improvement on and they would want some efforts towards addressing them. The sacrifice made will begin to feel their tanks and this is not the time to become the perfectionist or a fault finder but someone who will be a fan, cheering every move made.

However, prevention is always better than cure. Before the love tank gets drained, plan vacations for two, dinner for two. Let her just dress up and feel pretty and without the kids, go out to a function or date nights with you.

If you are the busy boss in the office, just as you can have a last minute meeting to save the company, you should always include family time in your schedule. Never get too busy to have quality time for your family and your partner in particular. Even if it is for an hour, make it count and take your leave seriously and religiously too- as that spells family time.

Feel free to comment or write us and we will bring more tips on how to put back that spice into your relationship.

Article submitted by Frank Odiaka Nwaeze.

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