I had gone into a bookstore in a shopping mall one day and as I conversed with its attendant, he felt a need to ask for help.
Joseph(Real name withheld), wants to know if it is a sin to love an older woman to the extent of desiring to make her his wife?
Joseph is in his late twenties/early thirties, while the lady is in her late thirties/early forties.
My response to him: First of, there is no commandment in the bible that says ‘Thou shalt not love or marry her if she is older than you’.
Though it is not a popular practice in this our part of the world, it is not uncommon to marry an older lady. However, a lot of factors are considered before you make such a decision.
Spiritual: Do you two share the same spiritual beliefs? Is she born again? Are you quite sure that she is God’s will for you? Did you pray about it earnestly? Many miss it here because while praying, they tell God the desires of their own heart, giving God reasons why HE should approve their own choice and expect God to say yes to their choice, whether or not that choice will haunt them in the future.
You should tell God how you really feel and why you want to marry that person, however, insist that since HE is the All Knowing God, only HIS perfect will for your life, not your own will, should be done.
If she is not the one, let HIM give you the grace to let her go and order your steps to your own spouse.
Mental/Psychological: It is a widely known and scientifically proven fact that a girl child grows up and matures quickly than the male child.
You see a 16 years old female child, speaking and acting ten years wiser than her age, while her male counterpart is a typical 16 years old (not in all cases though).
If this is the case, now imagine, a lady who is between the ages of 35-42, strong, responsible, mature, put together, wise, dependable and experienced. All these qualities you see in her and then you, nearly ten years her junior, a little less in all these qualities (because sometimes, it is what you lack, that when you see in others, attracts and pulls you to them), how will you handle it?
How will you cope? Do you think your lady is humble enough to be somewhat more matured than you and still submit to you? Will she allow you be her head and the man of the house? Or will your age and different levels of maturity be a constant source of strife for you two?
When she politely offers you advice as your helpmate to keep you from making a mistake that can land you and your entire household in some setbacks/trouble, will you listen and take her advice or will you get offended and act out because you think she is trying to control you?
What if her counsel and predictions are always right and yours are always wrong, will you feel insufficient and intimidated/ not good enough? Will you swallow your pride or set your ego aside and listen to your wife for the collective good and prosperity of your home?
Are you mentally ready to be the husband of a woman who by your description is older and wiser? Are you prepared to learn from her while retaining your duty and office as the head of your home?
Please note that, it is possible to learn from your wife without relinquishing your role as the head of your family. You just have to find a virtuos and submissive woman, who teaches you politely but firmly. A woman who respects you even when it is obvious that you are making loads of mistakes.
Biological/Medical: Have you considered this factor too? You need to, especially if you two are planning on having children. I am not much of a medical person, however, i know it is more advisable for a woman to have children earlier than in her forties.
Marrying and giving birth at thirty and above is not the choice of many ladies if you ask them, therefore you and the rest of the world should be more sensitive and stop acting like they have a problem or they are a problem for being unmarried at that age.
An article i read somewhere states that a woman should have her first child before the age of thirty to avoid some diseases for her and her baby, i won’t go into further details, not to scare you off.
Nevertheless, remember that it is the medical report and we also believe in God’s report, that regardless of age and biology, God does overrule situations and give women in this category safe conceptions, deliveries and make them healthy mother and with healthy babies with a clean bill of health too.
In addition: People argue that when a man marries an older woman, she may not be on the same sexual rhythm with him and that is a major source of concern.
Personally, I have heard cases where a couple are age mates or the man is reasonably older than his wife and still, they are not on the same sexual rhythm… It is therefore not applicable to your case alone Joseph.
Social/ Physical: Does the physical appearance of your spouse matter to you? Can you confidently present her to your family? friends? church? society as your queen your fiancée? your wife? Or will you be embarrassed and seek to hide her away, preferring to attend social occasions alone?
An uncle once told me that one’s spouse may not be the best looking one in a crowd or might even be the most unattractive in the whole gathering, however, all that matters is you are comfortable with him/her and you are not ashamed to be seen or associated with him or her privately and publicly and i totally agree.
People just have a way of voicing unsolicited and unwelcome opinions on everything that does not concern them and they are outright rude and hurtful by words, actions or gestures.
You therefore need to know let everyone know that this person/your fiancée/ spouse/ is a huge part of your life and anyone who will be disrespectful to her will answer to you or will cease to be a part of your life until he or she apologizes and treats your woman with respect.
If your lady is willing to make some adjustments in a bid to look good for you such as: Eat less, lose some weight, wear more make up, or wear less make up etcetera, that is well and good, but it is should be willing.
Do not attempt to change her. Only The Holy Spirit can change a man/woman, not you. If you cannot accept her for how she has chosen to be, then, please leave her alone. Do not force her to do these things, lest she resents you.
Ladies: you can dress and look younger in a nice, decent and attractive way for your spouse, especially if you are older. A man is moved by sight! You should keep your body together( Even after child birth, Yes, it is hard! but do able, so please lose the weight, and get your body right). Keep your hair and nails neat, smell nice, keep your house clean. Help your man stay interested!
Other factors such as differences in likes and interests, finances, etcetera are factors that are not peculiar to your situation but crop up in many marital relationships.
Joseph, If you have prayed earnestly and sought Godly counsel and you are convinced that this woman is your wife, I do not see any reason why you should not marry her. Who told you that marrying your age mate or someone younger is a guarantee of a happy marriage?
Sometimes, that person may give you more problems and remember, whatever decisions you make, once you sign the dotted lines and perform the ceremonies and you and your bride go home and the door is closed, you will live with your choice.
Therefore, make the best choice for you, do not do anything someone else says, especially if you are not convinced or at peace with the idea, because, if it goes wrong, it is unwise to say ‘I could have avoided this mistake if not for Mr this or Miss/Mrs that!’
Until next time, I love you with the love of God! Shalom!
